Avengers Versus X-Men #1: Because you demanded it

4 Apr
By Ayo

Here is how the universe functions: if you are shooting at Captain America, you are the bad guy. There aren’t “differences of opinion” or “crazy misunderstandings.” You woke up in the morning, donated two million dollars to rebuild Haiti, volunteered at an old folks’ home, mentored some troubled youth and that’s all well and good. But if you ever have occasion to shoot at Captain America, you are the bad guy. How come? Because only the bad guys shoot at Captain America, you putz.

As it turns out, Scott Summers, leader of the X-Men (and owner of a jetpack) doesn’t volunteer for any such causes. He mentors a teen by literally kicking her on the ground. It’s for her own good, gotta toughen her up.

By the way, this teen girl, Hope Summers, was raised by Nathan Summers, who is four times the man that his father Scott Summers is. Hope was raised on the run from a gun-toting lunatic, trained in hand to hand fighting and heavy rifles. Now she spends her mornings getting kicked in the ribs by a personal trainer named “Slim?” Fuck outta here. I don’t believe your story. The previous issue of THIS VERY STORYLINE shows Hope Summers beating a person unconscious with her arms pinned. ONE WEEK LATER, you’ll have me believe that she’s struggling with boxing lessons from One-Eyed Slim?

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Five adult men wrote this comic book.

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Captain America is a good dude. He is THE good guy. Captain America is so good that if Mother Theresa is pouring water over the wounds of the sick and Cap happens to be walking past that BLOCK, then he becomes the hero.

So Captain America strolls over to Nation X (the X-Men live on a private island called “Utopia.” Yeah, it’s a pit), and he’s like “yo, Scott, my man! Big trouble! Your young ward is in danger/dangerous. We need to put her in PC.” And knowing that Captain America is the best dude in the multiverse, Scott is all like “whoa, thanks for looking out for my adopted granddaughter! Please take care of her and get her the help she needs!”


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I like how scared and vulnerable Hope Summers looks, crouched in a ball like she is currently MAJORLY into Death Note and is minutes away from dying her hair black. I like it because it highlights how much John Romita Jr gives a fuck about this gig. This kid was raised on rat meat and murder in a post-Apocalyptic (literally) future by the most awesome soldier in the universe. Now she looks like she might need a hug and maybe somebody to read her a bedtime story.

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John Romita Jr might just hate his job. He signed up for this thing and said “Avengers Vs X-Men event comic? Yes. Count me in.” Then the guy gets a script sent to him in which the only action in the comic is the Avengers saving people from a falling comet and an adult named “Slim” stomping out a fifteen year old girl. He’s a trooper and a professional so he makes it the BEST Avengers-stopping-comet scene you’ll ever see and the BEST man-beating-up-child scene you’re going to see. But he knows. He always knew that there would be karmic retribution for Kick-Ass. It was just a matter of when.

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Augmented Reality is bullshit. The logo for that is all over this comic book and it looks worse than television station logos when you’re watching whatever crap you consume from whatever networks you enjoy.

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Jason Aaron’s contribution is likely the page where Captain America visits Wolverine. Jason Aaron loves Wolverine. Unfortunately, he only loves the character since he was given free reign to re-establish him as some other non-Wolveriney type of dude.

Jason Aaron’s Wolverine is the ultimate big brother. The father, no, DAD that you wish you had. He’s tough yet warm. Loving. He’s a warrior who does it all for the children. He’ll play catch with you in the yard even though he had a long day at work. He won’t yell at mommy and he’ll never ever abandon you, ever.

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Apropos of nothing: Carol Danvers is an idiot. She shows up to the Avengers meeting and actually asks “are we having an Avengers meeting?”

Be on the lookout for her to star in the new series Captain Marvel as she attempts to think her way out of a room with the key in her hand.

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Kind of can’t believe that this blowhard Magneto takes orders from Cyclops. I can’t believe that he defers to him. That’s kind of amazing. When Magneto knelt before King Cyclops in that weird Matt Fraction comic, that was that. Now the guy has to stand in the slop line at the X-Men mess hall. This is a man who has never been a member of an organization that he wasn’t also supreme leader of. This is a man who is worshipped as a god. His devotees are actually called “the Acolytes.” Now look at him. Lower on the X-Men chain of command than Namor. At least Namor is still king of Atlantis.

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It is actually disturbing to me that even though Captain America and the Avengers walked over to Nation X under the “come quietly” pretense, there wasn’t a real attempt to actually address the X-Men in peace. Not even a phone call. Captain America gave Scott Summers a medal of honor. Now he’s going to make him swallow all of his teeth.

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I’m also disturbed by Wolverine claiming that the Phoenix killed “Summers’ girl” (ie, Jean Grey). I know you’ve got a bad memory, you genejoke but Magneto killed Jean Grey and then you (Wolverine) killed Magneto. And now Magneto is pals with Scott Summers. I don’t know, comic books man. Even the five men who wrote this one and the five editors who oversaw it couldn’t recall that pretty widely-read story (“Planet X,” by Grant Morrison and Phil Jimenez).

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I’m an X-Men fan from the 1990s. I never read an Avengers comic until Brian Bendis and John Romita Jr’s Avengers #1 from 2010. At the time, I probably enjoyed more Avengers comics but now everything has leveled off and Fantastic Four and Daredevil beat both X-Men and Avengers for pure entertainment. Easily.

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Tom Spurgeon joked that the loser of Avengers Versus X-Men gets all of its comics cancelled forever. In that case, we can only hope for a double knockout.

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Seriously?

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